Why
I changed My Name
Something Strange
Yet
Wonderful
An
Announcement
For
All My
Friends
and
Loved
Ones
December
1998
December
3, 1998
From Mark Huppert
Dearest Friends,
As most of you know, 2 years ago on Dec 8, 1996, my daughter Melissa was involved in a tragic car accident. The pressures of this event (in part) lead quickly to a separation & divorce, followed by all the personal & financial ramifications involved.
By August of 1998, while most of the externals had been dealt with, I still found myself to be very angry, frustrated & bitter. The whole issue centered around an immense sense of personal failure. Except for my idiot savant ability to make computers do what I & others want them to do, as I reviewed my life I saw only a series of failures:
· 2 divorces
· My Funtasia (a fancy computer graphics thing) program lost thousands of dollars
· The house is not nearly the investment I had thought it would be
· My rock band was far less than popular & an abysmal failure by any human measure
· My attempt to have an active ministry in my community via Light of the Valley Lutheran Church likewise came to a horrid end
Etc…Etc…..Etc…..I could go on, but will save you the other details. Understand that I am in no way looking for sympathy here. In fact, part of my own sorrow was a certain sense of “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
However, this series of experiences had left me in a state wherein I found within myself neither faith nor fight: I had no faith that any project I would undertake would yield any measure of success, and could find nothing I felt was worth fighting for. It was not that I was suicidal. I was, in fact, beyond that…….I was already dead inside.
This was, beyond all other experiences in my life, the darkest night of my soul.
And, though it may be a stereotype, it is often true that it is darkest before the dawn.
Before I share with you the “dawning” that happened, I want to make 2 things clear:
1. In no way am I preaching here. There is no new information here.
2. Neither was there any new information for me. There is, in fact, nothing new except what has been forgotten, and that was absolutely the case here. It was just that, in my emptiness, I was finally ready to listen to what I’d always known, even preached about.
The “revelation” was simply that every single thing that I had been so frustrated by, and virtually every single act in my life, had been from an improper focus: I was doing things in order to gain some expected result. The Hindus say that I was attached to the fruit of my labors. The Bible calls it setting one’s sights on the things of man instead of the things of God.
When this occurred to me, it came crashing through like the proverbial scales dropping from my eyes. I saw everything in a different light:
· I didn’t marry either wife because of who they were, but who I thought they would become
· I didn’t buy the house because it was a gorgeous place to live, but the best possible investment of my money
· I tried to market Funtasia only for one purpose: to make $$
· Opus IX was not simply exciting music, but a means to extend my fame & fortune
· Light of the Valley, likewise, was for purposes of growth, a vibrant “ministry” that would touch the entire community….
Etc…..etc……..etc……….
Everything, for Mark Huppert, was a means to an end, never an end in itself.
The solution, then, was as simple as understanding the problem:
· Work without attachment to the fruit of my labors
· Whatsoever I do in thought, word or deed, do all to the Glory of God
And there, in essence, you have it.
Now don’t look for any trumpets here. It’s not like the heavens opened up & God told me what to do with the rest of my life. Nothing of the sort. I haven’t changed any of my activities. I may not.
But I have a brand-new focus, clearer & sharper than at any time in my life. My directions, projects & energies have not changed. That would be premature.
But this much was (is) clear: something momentous had changed within me. I was not, nor ever would be, the same. Those who I speak with (the most have said something to the effect: “Well, you’re certainly in a different space than you were…I don’t know what it is, but something is definitely different.”
Now you know.
The only clear idea that came through the fog of my brain, was to Change My Name. This is actually an ancient, very Biblical practice. Whenever people went through significant changes, they gained a new name.
To a lesser extent we still do a similar thing today: marriages (divorces), doctorates, ordinations, entrance to the Bar, military promotions, & others, will all confer a name (title) change.
It is absolutely essential that you understand one thing: changing my name is NOT in any way a reflection on, or repudiation of, my family. My father & mother were/are two incredibly loving parents; my brother & I are soulmates; my sister is a mother to the world.
If anything, “Mark Huppert” reflects the poor decisions I made with all the wonderful gifts I was given. Changing my name reflects my heartfelt desire, if not need, to do better with the 2nd half of my life.
As to what name………
Well, as most of you know, I have done extensive study of God’s Name. It is the central theme of the Web Page that I host: YHWH.COM
For years I’ve been inspired by the Bible passage that calls the Hebrews “The people in whom I cause My Name to dwell.”
So, sparing you the extensive Biblical etymology…
My new name is “Ahyh.”
One name. Like Cher, or Prince.
It’s pronounced “A-yuh”, with a long A (like “Hey”).
In Hebrew, Ahyh literally means “I Will Be.”
This, you see, is the other part of the pain from living only for results. With good results, we get “up” or happy. With unpleasant results, we get “down” or miserable. Our inner being, the soul, is subject to the “slings & arrows of outrageous fortune.” We give-up control of our very soul to the habits & desires of the society around us, who sit in judgment on whether they like or dislike or efforts.
“Ahyh” means, essentially, self-determination. It can be seen as a formula: I + Will = Being. It is an intimate component of focusing on what is Good & Right (a.k.a. God’s Will) instead of the endless pursuit of external results……
It all boils down to the simplest of sayings: “Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God.”
That’s it.
All of you who know me can call me whatever you want. Many of you usually don’t use “Mark” at all, but some other series of unmentionable expletives(!)……Please, feel free to continue.
But my legal name is Ahyh. This has been officially registered with the Superior Court of San Diego County, Vista Branch.
As always, I welcome your questions & comments. I’m sure you have a few.
Shalom.
