My Favorite Christmas commercial

Picture of God #62, Sun 12/24/00

It's been running on KIOZ FM, 105.3 in San Diego.

Santa is talking.  "Ho Ho Ho...I have a letter here from Jim in San Diego.  It says he needs help to achieve the ultimate intimate moment [Any idea what that might mean?  haven't been able to figure that one out.] with his partner.  Ho Ho Ho, but the elves are all asleep.  What to do?  This sounds like a job for "F Street".  Games, personal pleasure devices, lingerie, and a wide selection of adult videos to help you create a truly memorable Christmas.  Ho Ho Rudolph, On to F Street!"

I happen to have one of these beloved establishments about 10 miles away.  So, being the ever curious investigator I am, I decided to go exploring.

Yup.  Exactly as Santa said.  Thousands of videos...Why buy the movie, the boxes alone would make a hedonist blush!  Yow!  Lovely Christmas wreath on the door, tinsel lining the shelves...Red & green condoms...And "personal love devices", that propriety says I can't even give you the name of, let alone describe.  And no, there will be no pictures at 11:00.

It was all rather shocking and odd until I noticed...Ah...Yes..."Joy to the World" and "Angels we Have Heard on High" playing over the sound system.

"And I have to admit, my ticker was touched...Christmas was one thing, but this was too much."  (From the Crypt-Keeper's Holiday Horror Christmas CD.)

So, moved by the joy of the season, I got that special video Ronny has been looking for (the salesman swore it was legal, and I guess I believed him), and a gift certificate for Susie (she's soooo challenging to shop for), handcuffs for Bob, and I thought that little see-through teddy was just the thing for the Mary in my lawn nativity scene, and...well...let's just say it should be a very Merry Christmas for all.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Porn.

[And, though I really don't think I should have to, here is my obligatory explanation...You see, this piece is written in the style we professional authors call irony.  Trying to illustrate the absurd by being absurd.  Yes, the radio commercial is real. and yes "F Street" is real...So are their different holiday offerings.  But no, I did not purchase any.  Sorry if your name was on the list...Didn't mean to get your hopes up(!)]

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