About Forgiveness
OK. So go ahead and deal with the stages of grief: shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We go through these at our own pace, and in our own order.
But we will go through them.
If you are burning with anger or wallowing in the depths of depression, come back later. When the fires of rage burn hot, I cannot really help. But when you are ready to get on with the rest of your life, I have a few comments which may be of some help to you.
There are lots of misconceptions, and lots of horrid advice out there about forgiveness. I'm going to skip them, and cut to the chase:
Biblically, there are two kinds of forgiveness. That's right. Again, in big bold type:
There are TWO kinds of forgiveness.
Knowing this, remembering it, and understanding the difference, are essential to getting better.
The First Kind of Forgiveness is unconditional and absolute.
Someone does you or a loved one wrong. Let's be extreme, to try to get the point across: murder, child rape, something more significant than just cutting in front of you in line.
You must forgive the person. Unilaterally, with no conditions. Period.
The First Kind of Forgiveness is for YOU. It is meant to help YOU, the one who has been wronged. Unconditional, unilateral forgiveness means that you do not have to spend the rest of your life being a victim. You do not have to spend the rest of your life defined as "a survivor of XYZ." The wrong done to you is in the past. It is gone.
You do not have to spend the rest of your life seeking revenge, fighting back, getting even.
You can, when you are ready, just let it go. And yes, just that plain and simple.
But HOLD ON!! That's not the whole story.
The Second Kind of Forgiveness is conditional and relative.
Just because you have unconditionally forgiven, that does not mean that you have to let the perpetrator back in your life! No, No, No, a thousand times no!
Opening yourself up so that they can come and do it again is just stupid. Yes, their are kinder, more touchy-feely words to use. But people all over the new thought / new age / new church groups cause a lot of harm not because they don't use their heart, but because they do not use their head, and act just plain ole stupid.
Jesus admonished us to get the balance right:
"Be as innocent as doves, and shrewd as serpents." NT Matthew 10:16
Again, to the extreme: someone, let's say a clergy figure, rapes your child. Forgiveness #1 says you do not have to spend the rest of your life in regret, anger, vengeance, retribution, etc. But, that absolutely, positively does not mean that you let the evil-doer back in your child's life!!!
I hope that is easy to see. I have had email exchanges where it is quite clear the concept is....ummmm....how to politely say...a little challenging.
The Second Kind of Forgiveness is conditional in that there are conditions on it. We call these "The R's." The Perpetrator must:
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Recognize the wrong / evil that has been done |
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Show genuine, actual Remorse |
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Resolve to never let this happen again |
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Repent of the wrong, turning to the right |
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Take whatever steps of Rehabilitation might be Required |
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Repair, to whatever extent possible, the damage that has been done |
But even then, under the most extreme conditions, Forgiveness #2 is Relative! Whereas Forgiveness #1 is absolute, even when all the conditional steps required for Forgiveness #2 have been met, even then that does not mean the wrongdoer is granted free, 100% , total access to your life.
Again, don't be stupid.
Some crimes are so horrid, they cannot be fully forgiven on this side of the grave.
But these are extremes. That vast majority of the time we are dealing with much smaller, more "real world" wrongs.
Still, please note: if your loved one breaks your jaw, saying "I'm sorry" does not fulfill the conditions for Forgiveness #2. That's where you need wisdom, discernment, to determine (relatively!) where, when, and how much you let the wrongdoer back into your life, if ever.
There are no simple, magic formulas.
Please note: Even when you have unconditionally forgiven (type #1) that does not mean you do not assist the authorities in seeing to it that justice is done. Serving time may, in fact, be a part of the Rehabilitation that might be Required.
Again, to the extreme, to illustrate the point:
It is possible to have unconditional forgiveness for someone, feeling only love and sorrow for them, while you testify on the stand, doing everything you can to have them incarcerated.
With Forgiveness #1 YOU have forgiven for YOUR sake, not theirs. You are now free to live your life without that one event controlling you forever, even if (God forbid) there are long-term physical effects that last for years. With Forgiveness #2 the steps have been taken to see to it that the wrongdoer never does this again, to anyone (for major crimes), or at least never again has access to you, until all knowledge & wisdom indicate they are Rehabilitated.
And I'm sorry if this little writing disappoints. But, yes, that really IS all there is to it, according to my knowledge, heart and experience.
HOW to get to the point where you can unconditionally experience Forgiveness #1? You need not even tell the person! "Oh, you did me wrong, but I want you to know that I unconditionally forgive you" is not even remotely the point! If YOU have forgiven someone FOR YOU, so YOU are free, then they have nothing to do with it!!!
HOW to experience absolute, unconditional forgiveness? HOW to get to the point that you are ready to move on? When you are ready, you just do it, friends. Period. Oh, you can find all kinds of councilors to hold your hand and emote with you about just how horrible the monster was. But it boils down to this:
When you are ready, you will let go. Letting an evil and/or stupid and/or "well intended but misguided" wrongdoer control your life, makes YOU stupider than THEM!!!!!! that's why God grants you the gift of Forgiveness #1.
Get on with your life. Let it go. Read Kübler-Ross, E. (2005) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Simon & Schuster Ltd, ISBN 0743263448, and Get on with your life! (Did I say that already?)
And if you want some Bible references to dig a little deeper, try these. They are both from Jesus, and show (I think) quite clearly the difference between conditional and unconditional forgiveness:
Forgiveness #1:
Note that there are no hints of repentance or remorse on behalf of the wrongdoer. It is a simple matter: if you are consumed with anger or resentment of any kind, then praying is just a silly thing to do! Forgive him!!And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." NT Mark 11:25
Forgiveness #2:
Clearly Jesus is talking about a minor offense here(!) But, note carefully, that repenting (one of the big R's) is a condition for this kind of forgiveness.So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.
Yes, there are lots more. But if I haven't made my point yet, I don't think I can.
As always, feel free to contact me.
Because if you don't, I won't be able to forgive you(!)
Love, Ahyh
p.s. Many people have found this little one
to be helpful: All I Really Need To Know
I Learned In A Lint Screen
