Dare The Devil
“Twas
in the Darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, but Golem and the Evil
One, crept up and slipped away with her…”
--Led Zeppelin, Ramble On
The end came at a Church retreat.
Twenty or so kids, a handful of counselors.
Lori had been growing ever more distant.
Not, of course, like that day in the shower, but cold.
Removed. We never discussed
the events of that day, for what, indeed, could one say?
I was sorry, it was scary, and we both made many adjustments to our new
lives.
But things would have been challenged for us under any
circumstances. I was going on to
college, she was facing her Junior year at Uni High, and was excited because she
had just gotten her driver’s learning permit.
Add to that memories and experiences and, well, I blame no
one but myself. I couldn’t blame
her for not really wanting to be around me.
At times I didn’t want to be around myself, but she at least had a
choice in the matter.
So, in July we went on this Church youth group retreat,
trying to be normal kids, fun and fellowship and food, but there was nothing
normal about it, and I no longer belonged, if for no other reason than I had
graduated, graduated from high school, graduated from Voice lessons and
how-to-be-the-AntiChrist-lessons and…
And every time I looked at her I had flashbacks.
What was done was done, and I had done the best I could in reinventing
myself, but still…A lot had happened. A
lot of bridge under the water, you know?
And she was just a kid, after all, and I couldn’t blame
her even then…
At the retreat she didn’t want to hang around me much.
She disappeared for a few hours with another kid named
Kerry.
When I saw her again she said she knew she and Kerry were
going to be good friends.
She said she hoped we could be too.
The worst, more painful word in the English language for
any male is the word “friend” when it comes from the lips of a female,
especially one he loves and cherishes and adores…
And on the way home the car stopped for gas and I didn’t
have any money and I didn’t care and I stole some Sominex sleeping pills and
took about 10 of them but I was so charged-up and angry and hurt and confused
watching her hug this guy and kiss him that the pills didn’t do any good even
though I pretended they did and pretended to sleep in the back of the car on the
way home and listen to her talk to Kerry about what a jerk and idiot I was and
how glad she was to get rid of me and I couldn’t disagree with her.
Yet another sign of how much we really did have in common.
